For many people being in a relationship gives them a sense of identity, purpose and belonging. They feel that having that special someone, no matter how much of a compromise is necessary, allows them to comfortably fit into their social group, particularly if everyone in their circle is partnered. Being single can feel alone, lonely and an outsider.
- Letting the pressure to be partnered build up can divert you into making bad decisions, feel impelled to hook-up with a person out of a feeling of necessity. That may be okay in the short term as a temporary stopgap, offering companionship for a moment, but it is important to recognise that for what it is.
Even the end of a bad relationship can feel like a failure, creating fear, apprehension, anxiety. There might be concerns about the future; will I meet somebody else, how long will I be on my own, should I have tried harder or stayed with the connection I had?
- But there is nowhere more lonely than a loveless marriage, where one person stays due to financial reasons, a fear of being alone or of upsetting the kids or loved ones. The tension, underlying resentment, hostility or continuous bickering can result in a very unhappy household. There’s nothing’special’ about a relationship that’s missing love or mutual respect.
After we’re desperate to get a special someone it may cause more problems than it resolves. Defining ourselves and others through our relationship status can miss the actual point of getting somebody important with whom to share our life. That person should add value, not provide the sole reason for our presence.
- Some people may even enter our lives in a just temporary capacity. As such, they may offer the impetus for us to move on from a bad position, enthuse us to examine our own lives, change career, upgrade our picture, introduce us to new exciting hobbies and interests. But once that’s on course they may well then fade from our orbit.
Other people may be fair-weather friends or fans, great when everything’s going well but not much good during stormy times. They can’t or don’t want to deal with any of our mess, troubles or complications. Conversely there are those men and women who love nothing more than to trainer, problem-solve and fix us, the foul-weather friends and lovers who enjoy deep and meaningful sessions but do not much care to party or socialise.
Having a connection with either may work well for a time, but is unlikely to be a long-term answer to your relationship status. But not all special relationships have to be permanent.
- An important step is to ask yourself what you need from a relationship; do you really need a special someone, does your life actually revolve around having a significant other in your life, does your connection status define who you are? It’s important to understand if you’re prepared to wait for the correct individual to come along, no matter how long that may take.
Some people may be focussed on getting married or living permanently together, for others who are overly intrusive. Some may want a constant partner in the place where they do everything together, talk about everything, share every aspect of their lives, but others prefer to keep some independence and separateness, enjoying specific times together, like vacations or weekends, but living their own lives in other times.
- To find our special someone it is good to first start working on your own. Ask yourself who is the most important person in your life. Even if you still have young children it’s best if the answer is you. When you feel good about yourself, healthy, happy and at peace, everyone on your life benefits.
Then you discover that your quality of life improves and you realise that you’d rather be alone that with someone who’s not right for you, who’s unsupportive or brings negative energy into your home. Being on your own is better than good enough or good, once you’re comfortable in your own firm.
- When you learn to love yourself you find ways to communicate your ideas and feelings to others and have the ability to define appropriate boundaries of acceptable and unacceptable treatment and behavior.
Sure, some things that disturb others may be fine by you; that is good for you to know and can enable you to become clearer about what you want from a partner.
It is liberating to realise that a particular someone is only special because they’re ideal for you. The relationship then becomes a wonderful outcome and addition, rather than a necessity in your life.